I
had many obstacles to overcome to turn myself into a good volleyball
player. I never had parental support because my parents didn’t like
sports, and they though that sports were a distraction. Another obstacle
was the money. I dint have a job and the only way I was receiving money
was by playing, but it was a very small amount of money. Even though I
had those obstacles I knew I could achieve my goal. I worked hard to
become a good player. I started with a high protein, low calories, and
low fat diet that a nutritionist recommended to me. Before and after
classes, I worked out at a gym to maintain my strong and healthy body.
Becoming a good player is not only just having skills, but also getting
the most out of these skills to become an extraordinary player. Winning a
championship is important for the team and the city (Isabela, P.R)
because if you win a championship, the government gives the team money
for the following year. Also, this championship was important for me too
because there were recruiters from others teams and Universities that
were interested in hiring volleyball players.
The
day of my championship I was nervous and uncertain. That day I was
playing with the best team of the country for the past five years. That
team has the biggest and best players in the country, so I was nervous
because I knew it would be a hard game. That day the court was full of
people. There was the mayor, the owners of the teams, the President of
the League, the news media and representatives of the Universities. When
I looked at all that people in the court, I was excited. I felt my
heart beating a thousand beats per minutes. I was happy because we
managed to enter the championship, but when we started to play I was
feeling uncertain. I was not believing in myself because in many cases I
heard people saying that I wasn’t good enough. The game was very close.
Sometimes my team was up by two points, and then down by three points.
Close to the final point, my coach called a “time out” and told me to
finish the game with the final point, the 25. I was hesitant if I could
make that point, but I said to myself “if the coach is ordering me to do
the final point, is because he knows I am good enough to finish the
game”. The coach set up a play and after my teammate passed me the ball I
spiked it over the net. Finally, I finished and won the game. I felt
exhilarated. Tears of happiness fell down my face. All the people were
shouting for joy including myself.
My
championship changed me in a positive way. Now, I feel more confident. I
always do my best because at the end I will probably be successful. I
understand that I can achieve my goal because I had the amazing
experience with my championship. I worked hard to become a good player
and I made it. Now, I clearly know that I can achieve my goal if I work
hard. I consider myself a wrestler in life. Even though many people said I wasn’t good enough, I proved I was. I
learned that I can’t let anyone tell me I can’t achieve my goals. This
game has affected me a lot in my life. Today, I look forward to become a
professional, not only in volleyball, but also in my career. I didn’t
have an innate talent, so I worked step by step to become a good player.
Now, I am doing exactly the same by learning a new language and
preparing myself for my career.
Now,
I look forward to challenges in life. Even though I might win a
championship again, my first championship will be the best because I
learned from it. I have more self-confidence thanks to a wonderful
event, my first volleyball championship.
I really enjoyed reading this essay you just have a few spelling errors and i think u should add more details on what happened after you won the championship did the recuriters talk to you after the game? did you and ur team celeibrate the win after? something along those lines but other then that it was areally good story and congrats on your win!
ReplyDeleteI think that is a great accomplishment and sounds like a lot of fun. I think it might be beneficial if you started your essay with "The day of my championship I was nervous and uncertain." That is where I was really captured by your story. Can you share more details of the game? Any pre-game or post-game rituals you or your team did? Was the crowd energetic throughout the game? Cheering anything in particular?
ReplyDeleteSorry not to get comments up here earlier--I'm trying to remember what we said in my office. Overall this is certainly a good start. In revision, Id' say first thing to do is clarify your focus. This seems to be focused on how volleyball brought you confidence. If that's the case, remember that you'll need to do three basic things: show us the before-you and explain why/how you lacked confidence; explain about this particular game and how it gave you confidence; explain (maybe) how this confidence has translated into other aspects of your life.
DeleteI agree with Laura that the essay really picks up when you actually start that day, and it's a good suggestion to start there. You could pause after a paragraph or two to flash back and establish your lack of confidence and how you prepared to play volleyball (explaining earlier that you didn't have innate talent but worked hard).
Because it's an unusual setting (for US readers) I'd love to read a bit more about the Puerto Rican volleyball system and, more particularly, something about the atmosphere of such an important match.
Do make sure your paras. have one main idea--remember how we looked at that 2nd para., which seemed to be about obstacles, but then shifted onto other things.
Overall this is quite clean in terms of grammar/usage, with very few ESL markers!